EMDR: What It Is and What To Expect
If you’re curious about EMDR, you’re probably wondering one of two things:
“Is this legit?”
“Am I going to have to relive everything?”
Both are fair questions.
Here’s the straight answer: good EMDR is structured, paced, and focused on helping your brain and body stop reacting like the past is still happening. It’s not a magic trick. It’s not a shortcut that skips safety. And it’s not about pushing you into the deep end.
The simplest way to understand EMDR
Sometimes you can know you’re safe… and still feel unsafe.
That’s the nervous system piece.
You might notice:
you overreact and then feel confused about why
you shut down in conflict even when you want to stay present
your body goes into panic before your mind can catch up
you avoid certain places, conversations, or situations because they spike you
you carry a constant edge of tension, like you can’t fully exhale
EMDR helps with this by targeting stuck memories and stuck body responses and helping them process differently, so they stop hijacking your present.
A phrase I use a lot:
“We’re not trying to erase the past. We’re trying to take away its intensity in the present moment.”
What EMDR is (and what it isn’t)
EMDR is: a therapy approach that uses bilateral stimulation (eye movements, taps, or tones) while you focus on a memory/trigger so your brain can reprocess it.
EMDR is not:
hypnosis
mind control
memory deletion
forcing you to describe every detail out loud
“exposure therapy without brakes”
If EMDR is done well, it includes brakes.
What EMDR can help with
People often come in for “trauma,” but trauma isn’t only one thing. EMDR can be helpful for:
PTSD and single-event trauma
childhood trauma and complex trauma (with careful pacing)
panic and anxiety that feels “bigger than the situation”
phobias
grief that feels stuck
performance blocks (sometimes)
shame-based beliefs like “I’m not safe,” “I’m not enough,” “It was my fault”
Not everyone needs EMDR, and it’s not the only tool. But for the right person, it can be a game changer.
What a real EMDR session looks like
Most people imagine a dramatic scene: tissues, sweating, reliving the worst day of their life.
That’s not what competent EMDR looks like.
Here’s the typical flow:
1) We clarify the target
We identify what we’re working on and this might be:
a memory
a present-day trigger
a negative belief you keep bumping into (“I’m powerless,” “I’m going to get abandoned,” etc.)
a body sensation that shows up in specific moments
2) We build stability first
Before reprocessing, you learn how to stay grounded. This matters.
Tools might include:
nervous system regulation skills
grounding practices that work for you
“resourcing” (building internal calm/strength)
a plan for what to do if you feel activated between sessions
This stage alone helps many people feel more in control.
3) The reprocessing phase (the actual EMDR work)
This is where bilateral stimulation happens.
You bring the target to mind (memory/trigger/belief), and we use:
eye movements
tapping
or tones
Then you simply notice what comes up, such as thoughts, sensations, emotions, images. You don’t have to “perform” or force anything. Your brain does what it does.
Across sets, most people notice one or more of these shifts:
the intensity drops
the memory feels more distant
new perspective shows up
the body response softens
the belief changes from “I’m trapped” to “I’m safe now”
4) We close the session intentionally
We don’t leave you raw and send you back into traffic.
We slow it down, stabilize, and make sure you’re regulated enough to go back to your day.
“Do I have to talk about every detail?”
No.
You can share as much or as little as you want. Many people do EMDR without describing the memory in full. The key is what happens internally when your brain is processing, not the storyline.
“What if I can’t remember everything?”
Also normal.
Trauma can affect memory. EMDR can still work with:
fragments
body sensations
emotions
present-day triggers
“I don’t know why, but this hits me” experiences
You don’t need a perfectly edited timeline for your nervous system to heal.
How to know if you’re ready for EMDR
You might be a good candidate if:
you have triggers you can’t logic your way out of
your body reacts fast (panic, shutdown, rage, dissociation)
you’ve done talk therapy and feel stuck in the same places
you want trauma work that includes the nervous system, not just insight
You might need stabilization first if:
you’re in ongoing crisis or active danger
you have very limited support outside sessions
you’re using substances heavily to cope
you dissociate frequently without being able to ground
That doesn’t mean “no EMDR.” It usually means “not yet” or “we build the foundation first.”
The point of EMDR (what you should expect over time)
The goal isn’t to become a person with no feelings.
The goal is:
triggers become manageable
your body stops hitting the alarm button so easily
you can stay present in relationships
the past becomes something you remember, not something you re-live
Ready for support?
If you’re in California and you’re curious about EMDR for trauma, anxiety, or patterns that keep showing up in relationships, I’d love to help. Reach out through the contact page to schedule a free consult or get started.